Four weeks ago, I was stepping off a plane in DC. America felt so strange, but familiar at the same time. Although I was happy the 18 hour flight was over and I was in much closer proximity to home, I missed Botswana. Even now, I miss Bots. I miss the most lovely people we met and the friends we made. I miss the bright blue sky; even the bluest sky I've seen here at home does not compare to the daily vibrant color of the Botswana sky. I miss choc-kits and sparkles and fat cakes; even though I have some of those rationed in my apartment at school along with an obscene amount of tea that I brought back. I miss the melody of Setswana, that always sounded like music as it rolled off the tongue. Although when I tried, it sounded more like a two year old banging on a xylophone, making those that know what Mozart sounds like cringe. Most of all I miss my team, my family for five weeks. I don't even know if I can describe the kind of community we had as a team, but it is something I never experienced to that degree and something I hope to reflect to others.
Even with all these aspects and more that did not write here (because it would go on and on and end up including me admitting that I miss the Curry Pot , where we ate both lunch and dinner, to some degree), I have enjoyed being back. I have been able to spend time and reconnect with family and friends. I went down the shore for a little and enjoyed the remnants of summer before moving back to school and starting classes this past week.
I'm still processing a lot of what God showed me this summer. For example, I have been battling between feeling guilty and convicted. This is nothing new to coming back home. Since going to the feeding station, I have been dealing with feeling guilty and being convicted. While I was over in Botswana, I got an e-mail from my youth pastor Dave, in which he said something that I shared with my roommates from project and made myself go back and get reacquainted with often. Dave said "Guilt is meant to hold you back. Conviction will help you say, 'God has put me in my position with the resources I have. Let me use them appropriately for his glory and never hold on to them as if they are mine.' " It is so true. Nothing we have is truly our own. That can of soup I bought this week is from money I earned working this summer at the job God opened doors for me to have. It is something I am still learning and God is still trying to loosen my grasp on things of this world. This is nothing I can do on my own. As human, we want to cling to something tangible, something we think will make us feel better, fill the void, save us from despair. But really, the only thing that can do those things is God.
I'm gonna be bold right now, so bear with me. Everybody deals with this. Those who don't know or believe in God. Those who believe in God and even those of us that are following and living our lives for Him. Now maybe a year ago, I would have said that only people who don't know God deal with this. But the reality I've been realizing is that it is something I need to work on. So maybe this isn't true for everyone, but even though I have been intentionally living for God (or at least attempting to) for the last six or seven years, I feel there are things that I try to put into this hole to try to complete me other than God. I have been putting or rather, letting God become a bigger part of this, but I still say, 'God you can have this part of the hole, but in parts H to Z I am going to put other things there, so don't worry about those guys.' I figure there is bound to be other people who have difficulty with this too. As humans, we want control. We want to hold on to something. And because of that it is difficult to 1) surrender ourselves entirely to Christ and 2) trust God's plan is greater than ours.
That second one is something I've really learned this summer. I know that God's plan is a million to the millionth power times better than my own plans. Somehow, probably because I don't know what is down the road or the reasons God's plan is better, I still somewhere in my mind think this way or with that, my life would be how it should.
With all that said (or rambled), I have learned that living a life with Christ in the center (or at least trying to keep Christ at the center) is a process. We never will master it. And while some people would say that makes it not worth it, that is why I love it. I can never be good enough on my own for God. If i could do it all, beat the video game of life, I would not need God. I would not have needed Jesus to come and die for me so I can be with Him for eternity. I would not have a personal friendship with Him that goes deeper than any other human relationship I can have. I would not get to interact with the One who created this earth, this galaxy and me. I would never see the amazing power of God be used to overcome my weaknesses, my faults to work in ways I could not have crafted in my wildest imagination. I would never experience God's love, which is pure and intense and incomparable to our human capacity to love. Without all that, life would not be what it can be with God.
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